11:43am

Sleeping on the futon in the house of the man that loves me (let's call him Chuck), I have the most vivid dream of "Steve". He, of course is still avoiding me and we accidentally run into each other in the halls during the beginning of the new fall semester. He has the look of deadly fear on his face while I have my eyes and arms wide open to greet him. I was so happy to see him! He has on a tan t-shirt, and jeans. He looks like a gazillion bucks to me. He greets me timidly with a "hello" and I greet him excitedly with a "Hi!". To his surprise, I snag a hug, and it feels so great. His arms feel so soft, and there we were in the halls, me clutched tightly around him, he stood there motionless. I had the largest smile in the world for mere seconds. I could feel my body warm. Then he runs off and I'm sad again. I send him a quick text as I'm walking to the cafeteria asking him where he was, and that we had to catch up. He sends me a text back telling me he was right in front of me, I look up, and there he is, right in front of me, standing next to the vending machines. This time I give him a soft and sweet "hello" and I ask him how is he. He tells me he is O.K and asks me how Chuck is doing. I tell him he's fine. I ask him how his home life is and he replies "the same". Then i look him right in the eyes and tell him honestly that I still love him, I tell him Chuck is amazing, but I don't love Chuck. Steve looks down to the ground and lifts his head up again, his eyes seem concerned, he asks me "What are we going to do?". I knew he felt the same, I knew he loved me still too, I was so happy, and yet so scared and guilty feeling. Chuck really and truly loves me, and I've broken his heart before for Steve. No, I didn't cheat on him. I didn't know what to do, and I felt ungrateful. Even after all the pain and bullshit I put Chuck through, he was still there for me, like he was always there for me, even after i broke his heart for Steve five years into our relationship. At this point Chuck and I are in a quasi-relationship, Steve and I had just broken up a few weeks ago and I'm still healing. In the dream, it is a few months ahead in the future and it seems Chuck and I are still in a quasi-relationship because I had never gotten over Steve. In the dream, I know this is a selfish move, but i had to put it out there because I'm in love with Steve...I tell him that I'm willing to end my relationship once again for him. I told him I understand now, all the limitations from before, all the stuff going on behind closed doors. I understand and I'm willing to deal with them for him now. He tells me newer limitations which are even more restricting than before when I had a hard time dealing with it. I tell him I accept them because I don't want to lose him again. He gives me a smile and I see his dimples. I give him a kiss on each one and It's just like the way we were again. This is the most beautiful dream I've had of him. It has been a few weeks and I've had a harder time remembering exactly what he looked like. In this dream, I saw his face, perfectly, every detail. I remembered myself staring into his eyes again as our noses were pressed against each other. It made me cry, but i was happy. Now the reality is that he isn't speaking to me, he's avoiding me, I've sent him an email that he hasn't responded to. He says he's at peace. He's in denial but I don't want to tell him this because of the risk that he'd get angry at me. You can't be at peace until you can readily face your demons, and If I'm his demon, he should be able to face me.